Like
most children, they typically feel comfortable in their homes and view it as a
safe haven. 11-year-old Ryan Aguirre once thought that he was always safe in
the comfort of his own home, until the night of January 5, 2011. Ryan was at
home with his father while relaxing playing a game in his family’s apartment
located in the Bronx when someone knocked on the door. Ryan is an innocent
little boy and a well-behaved honor student at his school, he would never think
something so undeserving was about to come to him. Ryan was casually walking
towards the door when he heard the knocking. All he asked was “Who?” then three
rounds of bullets started coming at him through the door. He was clinging onto
the wall and calling for his father while his dark brown eyes stood out with
fear. While latching onto the wall, Ryan just stood there while the bullets
were cutting through the door and making their way into the apartment. He did
not move only stood there. It was probably for the best that he did not leave
his current spot, for who knows what would have happened to him if he tried
dodging the bullets. While fear and a stir of emotions were running through
Ryan’s body, he was shot in the stomach. He did not feel anything, fortunately
enough, but is now scared physically and emotionally. The bullet did not
puncture any vital organs or kill the young boy, if anything it only left a
wound. This incident did more damage to his mental state. He is now paranoid
that the shooter will come for him again. He’s terrified to stay in his
own home. Ryan never saw the shooter behind the door; he was only a victim of
the man’s anger. Ryan was not the man’s target. The shooter was actually targeting
Ryan’s sister who is involved in a gang. Due to his sister’s poor life choices,
Ryan got caught up in her mess.
Source:
http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/bronx/don_want_to_go_back_RoDrmcYTwsGZ9yRdmy7NwK
Raven, there's some strong, clear writing here. I think the strength of the piece lies in this portion:
ReplyDelete11-year-old Ryan Aguirre once thought that he was always safe in the comfort of his own home, until the night of January 5, 2011. Ryan was at home with his father while relaxing playing a game in his family’s apartment located in the Bronx when someone knocked on the door. Ryan is an innocent little boy and a well-behaved honor student at his school, he would never think something so undeserving was about to come to him. Ryan was casually walking towards the door when he heard the knocking. All he asked was “Who?” then three rounds of bullets started coming at him through the door. He was clinging onto the wall and calling for his father while his dark brown eyes stood out with fear. While latching onto the wall, Ryan just stood there while the bullets were cutting through the door and making their way into the apartment. He did not move only stood there.
And I think it's stronger without the telling of the first line or the last bit about how the boy was effected. Maybe the scene could simply end with him grabbing his stomach and discovering he's been shot? As a singular scene, you don't need to accomplish everything. Think of a scene as one part of many scenes, where you might use a scene later to show the aftermath of the shooting and how it affected Ryan. Does that make sense?